Yet again it's 12:30am, I can't sleep so I've resorted to sorting out my head on my blog. I guess it's a habit that has never really gone away... I can remember back when I was younger, whenever I couldn't sleep I would always write in my diary. I used to love to write.. when I was in the 5th grade my ultimate goal in life was to be a screenwriter... at the time I didn't know what the correct term was, but I knew I wanted to write movies. My, how the times have changed.

My brain has been on overdrive lately. A lot has been going on, but I haven't really talked to anyone about anything.. I guess because there's too much to say... too much to explain to someone that hasn't seen it or lived with it. To say that I've been upset isn't really a true statement. I've been distracted most definitely, but not so much upset. I think my emotions have become immune to poor family situations... especially when it comes to my father and his moronic tactics. There's only so many times a person can hurt someone (in this case many people) by their selfishness. I understand being angry... but I also understand that there's a way to handle your anger and frustrations and it doesn't involve rage. A girls dad is supposed to be the person that protects her... that makes her feel safe.... I can honestly say I don't think I've ever felt that. I've never taken any advice from him, nor do I respect his point of view in most cases. Good intentions only get you so far. My sister told me the other night that sometimes she felt like if something ever happened to my dad I would be sad for a second and then I would be over it. I really can't believe I'm admitting this, but a part of me knows she's right. How terrible is that? I mean I'm not saying I'm wishing anything bad on anyone, but I've seriously thought about that before. Is my heart really so cold towards my own father and his actions that I can't even cringe at the thought of that? The other part of me worries how badly he's screwed me up... will I ever trust anyone enough to let them near my heart? It's kind of a scary thought. I try to push it away and I've been successful at doing so thus far, but some days it comes back to haunt me. I guess everyone has that real-life reoccurring nightmare at some point in their lifetime... this must be mine.

All things work together for good for those who love the Lord.

xo. Goodnight Bloggers.